I’m not dead… yet

I just really need to take back my life at some point and stop hiding although I’m pretty sure I’m the biggest embarrassment the Earth as ever carried.

I’m not sure what to do with myself, not sure I wanna live this life, not sure I wanna be the one who’s always there for everybody. If you crossed my path in real life, you know I’m someone who is positive, not always, but most of the time I am. I can get pretty upset in the traffic jam, but I also try to remain calm by listening the playlist I created for those special annoying occasion (yeah you know why the weather is terrible in Belgium).

The last two years have been hard on me (or should I say the last three years), and 2016 was a pretty awful one, but I refuse to let the “nothing”, the “depressing darkness” continue to drag me down because if I do, I will probably be dead any time soon.

That doesn’t mean I’m gonna be all about glitter and unicorns, no, I’m still dark inside, but I refuse to believe that my life is finished.

I don’t believe in love anymore, this is a fact and I’m not sure I will in the future, but I don’t want to isolate myself from friendship. The hardest part is keeping friendship alive when you don’t have any place of your own because you still have to deal with the Hell hole that was yours and you have to live back at your mom’s place because you can’t afford a rent as you’re paying the entire loan for something that is supposed to be owned and paid by two people. This prevent you to invite people, to spend time with someone that might be more than a friend as you cannot have intimacy in any way.

This is what my life looks like for nearly two years now. It’s hard not holding the grudge to someone who fled the country and left you handle everything. The someone who can have a life on his own because this person doesn’t care.

Inside I’m nearly dead, I can’t trust anybody. I hate that.

I’m not used to be suspicious about people, not that way. I just don’t let them approach me. I wanna believe I’m not dead … yet, but it’s becoming harder and harder to have faith in what’s my life gonna look like. I will hold on to hope for a little longer, but only the future knows for how long.


2 thoughts on “I’m not dead… yet

  1. Nicole @ Feed Your Fiction Addiction says:

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling so desperately sad lately—it sounds like you have been put in a really tough situation with no easy way out. I hope that you do manage to find some friends that brighten things for you because you definitely need that interaction in your life. Praying you find joy again!


  2. joyousreads says:

    We are essentially on the same boat, Lily. December, most especially has been a tough month and it doesn’t look like I’m going to welcome 2017 with a loud bang. Let’s hope things will get better soon.


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