When the universe decides you’re not made for this.

 

At a very young age, I couldn’t stop repeating I didn’t want such thing.

Then arrived the age of 16 and one of these things happen to end up in my arms. Not mine, but it unlocked the other thing. The other thing that never left ever since. Two years and a half later, I had to let the first chance go. Not the right time, not the right person, not everything I had imagined in my head. Rough time.

A few years later, it happened again. Four months in, it decided to give up. She decided to give up. Yes, the “it” was actually a “she”. Leaving a hole in my heart. A missing piece. And it happened again two years later, another missing piece. A “he”. I have the pair… in my heart.

I went through this all alone, by myself, because I didn’t want to annoy people with the storm going strong in my head.

Thinking about it, I’m just wondering if the Universe just sent me messages, telling I’m not one of those who are made for this. Maybe the Universe is right. Everybody seems to see it apart from me and Lord Universe keeps sending me the message “I’m not made for this”. How? By putting people on my path that remind me “I’m not made for this”.

Maybe it’s now time to be realistic and apologize to these three little pieces I’ll never be able to replace and ask them to forgive me as I wasn’t able to be what I was supposed to be for them. Maybe apologizing to them will help me to close this chapter and turn the page on this subject once and for all. Letting my brain know that she is right (yes it has a gender too), that I have to make everything in my ability to convince the professionals that I’m ready to give up on this too. I had three chances. I’ve wasted them.

I am so sorry I couldn’t be what you were expecting, that you had to give up on me.

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