When the universe decides you’re not made for this.

 

At a very young age, I couldn’t stop repeating I didn’t want such thing.

Then arrived the age of 16 and one of these things happen to end up in my arms. Not mine, but it unlocked the other thing. The other thing that never left ever since. Two years and a half later, I had to let the first chance go. Not the right time, not the right person, not everything I had imagined in my head. Rough time.

A few years later, it happened again. Four months in, it decided to give up. She decided to give up. Yes, the “it” was actually a “she”. Leaving a hole in my heart. A missing piece. And it happened again two years later, another missing piece. A “he”. I have the pair… in my heart.

I went through this all alone, by myself, because I didn’t want to annoy people with the storm going strong in my head.

Thinking about it, I’m just wondering if the Universe just sent me messages, telling I’m not one of those who are made for this. Maybe the Universe is right. Everybody seems to see it apart from me and Lord Universe keeps sending me the message “I’m not made for this”. How? By putting people on my path that remind me “I’m not made for this”.

Maybe it’s now time to be realistic and apologize to these three little pieces I’ll never be able to replace and ask them to forgive me as I wasn’t able to be what I was supposed to be for them. Maybe apologizing to them will help me to close this chapter and turn the page on this subject once and for all. Letting my brain know that she is right (yes it has a gender too), that I have to make everything in my ability to convince the professionals that I’m ready to give up on this too. I had three chances. I’ve wasted them.

I am so sorry I couldn’t be what you were expecting, that you had to give up on me.

Time flies

Yes, it does. Whatever you do to save time for yourself, it just flies by without you noticing a single second missing.

I’ve been overwhelmed by a series of events lately, and this just continues to overflow my daily schedule. I have to schedule my day. I suffer from burn out and severe depression which leads me to over love my bed and avoid people the best I can.

So, scheduling my day with repetitive tasks is the best way I found to not go insane.

I want to go back to the gym, but I’m physically weak and so I need to take it slow. After 4 solid months without any solid food, I’m eating again. When you cannot destroy yourself in a certain way, your sick brain finds another one to get you under the weather or worst, six feet under.

“My name is Siobhán” is out in Belgium since end of november and the electronic version will be soon available worldwide.

Amazingly this novella recieved a positive welcome and I hope this will continue.

I’m still translating the trilogy and writing another novel in English, but the coming plans are to finish my new thriller in french and expect a publication in 2020.

Time flies… 2020 is already tomorrow…

And if I was just… #13reasonswhy

I was just not meant to be more.

It’s hard to explain what I wanna say. Even in the language of the heart.

I feel a lot, always. Everything takes proportions I don’t want them to, but how are you supposed to regulate this? Sometimes I would like to shut these emotions down ‘cause they just bring me pain and sorrow. They are just too painful to sustain. I wish I was able to act like I don’t care. Well actually I can. That’s the “superpower” I developed along the years making sure the others just don’t notice what I feel, especially when I’m hurt. What I would like is annihilate every piece of emotion, every tiny little feelings creeping through my heart and actually feel nothing.  I would really appreciate sometimes to be characterized with impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, dis-inhibited, egotistical traits. Yes in other terms: a mid-psychopath… This sometimes would help me through life. Theirs has to be easier without any feelings or emotions… maybe I am insane after all…

I know by reading this, you must ask yourself why. The reason is simple: I don’t induce feelings in others. I induce curiosity, such as a cage animal you want to see because you’ve heard of it.

Something you wanna possess because you’ve got the possibility to. Something practical to have on hand because it makes you feel better. Something you hide, actually, because you’re ashamed to be paired with, but you just can help going back to. Something temporary. An experience. Something you place between two appointments with your dentist.

Welcome to the Freak Show.

People just don’t get it when I say I’m an empty shell because they can’t see exactly what’s inside.

They see me as bubbly, joyful, with a certain approach on life that is careless. The truth? I really care, but not for myself. I realized a longtime ago that I would never be a priority in others vision, so I act as if I don’t care. As if my life was just a gigantic part where people have their place, but where I never find the right character fit for myself.

You know what made me realize I wasn’t different from the girl I was in high school?

The Netflix Series 13 reasons why. I related too much with Hannah. She cared too much. Always.

She made a decision I wasn’t brave enough to take. Yes, it’s brave to choose to let go one way or another. The way she put the responsibility on the others, is not. They are not the reasons why she did it. She just did it because she was different because she cared more about the others than herself and she couldn’t take it anymore. She just couldn’t bear the pain her feelings caused her. She decided to let go because she, at this very moment, thought she never would be someone’s priority.

One can argue that life is precious and I won’t contradict them, but I can also perfectly understand you want to end what you didn’t ask for. Her classmates might have contributed to her distress, but they just didn’t make it on purpose, they were just teenagers.

Well apart from one… One I once knew as well. One that has his place behind bars.

Regarding the high school advisor, he didn’t do his job. He wasn’t there for her when she tried to tell him she was about to end her life. He has a responsibility as an adult who has as a priority to be there for the students.

Anyway. This series got me to burst in tears. Ripped what’s left of my heart out of my chest.

He was just another scam

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That’s what I felt from the start.

Red flags floating. My brain screaming like an emergency alarm.

I don’t know why.

This time, I just didn’t ignore the messages.

The only thing is that it brought me back to what I am: a DFGYM (Designated Fat Girl You Mock.)

You can be the most caring and loving person, scams will always find a way to remind you that you’re not worth being loved.

They will nourish you with the bullshit you want to hear, but they won’t mean it a single second, then when they’re tired playing, they will let you without any news or « icebergy » response to your simple message.

 

So my dear DFGYM, get back on your feet and let those rot in their own lies.

I know you think you don’t deserve to be happy.

Flash news: you’re wrong.

You just need to create your own “Queendom”. You will decide everything.

Oh I’m not saying you won’t suffer anymore, but most of the time you will have the strength to avoid it, or avoid a greater pain by deciding you worth more than lies.

 

I’m a DFGYM, I want to change it.

Will you?

 

XoXo

Ems

Don’t ever lose your bubbliness

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Giving your heart, giving your trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

Although they are made of compromise, don’t ever lose your bubbliness, what makes you different.

I did. And now I’m trying to let that person be again, but once you have buried it, your sparkle, if it can be saved, won’t shine as bright as it used to.

Mine is dead. I tried several times to revive it. To believe in others again, but I can’t. I’m not able to trust. I can make like I do, but deep inside I can’t.

The empty space the sparkle left when it died was a huge one and whatever I can do, nothing will be able to fill lit up.

I recently thought really hard that I found this piece, I found the foundation of a brand new one, but let’s face it: who would want a broken candle? Usually you let them sleep at the bottom of a drawer and only get them out, when your power is out or when you run out of your favorite scented one.

I’m that broken candle, but don’t tell anyone.

Stuck in my own problems.

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There are moments when you just can’t go farther.

And I’m in the middle of this dead end.

I thought my life would be better, I thought I’d feel better, but actually, although I want to go farther, I keep cross passing people that aren’t as good as I thought they would be.

One can only say it is a lot of thoughts for a brainless artist.

Maybe… I can admit that I probably broke my cortex in the process. I also broke my heart, my mind, my willingness to be happy. Something went wrong. Where I don’t know, but it did at some point. Enough to clearly state that I’m a loner.

I always defined myself as « quirky », but more I meet people more I don’t fit. To be part of the society you have to act a certain way, suppress your actual true self.

I can’t do it.

To fit in the society, you have to look a certain way and I clearly don’t fit.

So I’m loner… it’s kind of hard to admit .

Bullshit #2

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They say you have to spread your wings to learn how to fly.

But what if you don’t have wings anymore?

What if you were forced to go on a path you didn’t want?

They say you have to believe.

They say the sun will come up again and the summer will come soon enough to bring smile on a torn and shattered heart. By experience, I know I’m able to bring hope and smile to others from time to time, but why can’t I just be strong enough to do the same thing for me.

It’s just like my entire being was attracted to pain and loneliness. Just as if my perception was sent to another direction than happiness.

I know I ain’t different from anyone else.

I know I’m maybe the most common, transparent and boring person you ever met, but in the same time I feel far away from the movement around me. Just as if the time was frozen. As if I’m not in the right place at the right time.

I just don’t get it.