When the universe decides you’re not made for this.

 

At a very young age, I couldn’t stop repeating I didn’t want such thing.

Then arrived the age of 16 and one of these things happen to end up in my arms. Not mine, but it unlocked the other thing. The other thing that never left ever since. Two years and a half later, I had to let the first chance go. Not the right time, not the right person, not everything I had imagined in my head. Rough time.

A few years later, it happened again. Four months in, it decided to give up. She decided to give up. Yes, the “it” was actually a “she”. Leaving a hole in my heart. A missing piece. And it happened again two years later, another missing piece. A “he”. I have the pair… in my heart.

I went through this all alone, by myself, because I didn’t want to annoy people with the storm going strong in my head.

Thinking about it, I’m just wondering if the Universe just sent me messages, telling I’m not one of those who are made for this. Maybe the Universe is right. Everybody seems to see it apart from me and Lord Universe keeps sending me the message “I’m not made for this”. How? By putting people on my path that remind me “I’m not made for this”.

Maybe it’s now time to be realistic and apologize to these three little pieces I’ll never be able to replace and ask them to forgive me as I wasn’t able to be what I was supposed to be for them. Maybe apologizing to them will help me to close this chapter and turn the page on this subject once and for all. Letting my brain know that she is right (yes it has a gender too), that I have to make everything in my ability to convince the professionals that I’m ready to give up on this too. I had three chances. I’ve wasted them.

I am so sorry I couldn’t be what you were expecting, that you had to give up on me.

Did I tell you?

I’m currently working on a new romance novel. Nothing really defined yet, but inspiration is coming as the waves… Back and forth… I really like my new characters. Witty, sweet, sometimes sarcastic.

This is a great escape to a world that, according to me, is quite sick.

I need a feel-good moment. I need to believe in something good again that sparks still exists between people.

This project started to come across my mind two years ago after another aborted break up that just cut me off the hope that love can still exist. I attempted to get back on this last year, but another premature breakup kept me from feeling love and self-appreciation. This on-hold-project is like a non-achieved part of my life.

On the other hand, I really would like to have your opinion on “My name is Siobhán.” Those are coming really slowly and I know this performs quite decently, so I’m curious to know your opinion on the novella. I really really would like to receive your expectations about the story because this project was just the tip of the Iceberg and I have another idea for it in the future.

For those who don’t know where to find it, it is quite easy: on amazon and worldwide. The electronic version is available everywhere.

This novella wouldn’t be real without you, the readers, and although it has transformed from “Dear Diary” to “My name is Siobhán,” this is still there because of you.

You probably know I’m suffering from a severe form of burn out, and still one year later, I’m not feeling at my best. Writing has been a great way to de-clutter my thoughts, even though it has had its ups and downs. I’m counting on you to show me I’m not engaged in a dead end and that my gut feeling is right because lately, this has been a rough path to trust her again.

What would you think if I started a new free novella online? What kind of novella would like to read?

OK let’s stop blabbering here.

See you soon, my loves.

Ems

Time flies

Yes, it does. Whatever you do to save time for yourself, it just flies by without you noticing a single second missing.

I’ve been overwhelmed by a series of events lately, and this just continues to overflow my daily schedule. I have to schedule my day. I suffer from burn out and severe depression which leads me to over love my bed and avoid people the best I can.

So, scheduling my day with repetitive tasks is the best way I found to not go insane.

I want to go back to the gym, but I’m physically weak and so I need to take it slow. After 4 solid months without any solid food, I’m eating again. When you cannot destroy yourself in a certain way, your sick brain finds another one to get you under the weather or worst, six feet under.

“My name is Siobhán” is out in Belgium since end of november and the electronic version will be soon available worldwide.

Amazingly this novella recieved a positive welcome and I hope this will continue.

I’m still translating the trilogy and writing another novel in English, but the coming plans are to finish my new thriller in french and expect a publication in 2020.

Time flies… 2020 is already tomorrow…

So I have a type.

For long enough I thought I didn’t really have a physical type for men.

How wrong I was.

Going through the years, apart from one exception or two, they have all the same characteristics:

Brown-haired, either part Italian, either part Irish, and all above 1,75m tall and smart.

I thought I based my choices on Charisma, but if you look back to my longest relationship (it lasted ten years), the guy had the charisma and the charm of a poop.

So what makes us more attracted to a certain type than another? Apparently if the guy doesn’t correspond to these criteria, I don’t even look at them, not a second (apart for 2 exceptions I won’t mention here, because it’s not worth the point), and therefore, they don’t get the chance to let me acknowledge if their culture is high enough to lead me to think and stimulate my brain.

Is just that all chemical, or are we conditioned to like a certain type? Are we inclined to repeat the same pattern over and over again to find the best match? Aren’t we allowed to change pattern and test out what’s best for us?

I know this makes no sense, but after uncovering that I was repeating the same pattern I was just wondering if things imprinted within us can truly change.

I’m also wondering if you ultimately know when you meet the person who you’re supposed to be with although you’re not vibrating on the same pace at the moment. Is this person meant to come back in your life at some point or the “misvibration” is just permanent?

I guess I have quite a lot of questions to ask to the Universe, because things are getting pretty messed up inside my brain, which leads me to a new English novel to come, I just started it so I can’t tell when I twill be released, but it’s a total work in progress.

 

In the end, I am a healer not a keeper

A few weeks ago I thought I found the right balance between work, artist life, second work and love relationship.

Although the situation was complex, I found myself at peace. The one peace you look for.

All of this ended brutally without any prior warnings, by getting told that there were never any feelings. Not once.

It was the first time I gave back my trust to someone as a Whole. For the first time I didn’t fear to be myself because I never felt judged and I thought this sincerity would be enough, I thought giving access to what I keep from everybody except my closest friends would be enough.

I opened my world entirely and I shouldn’t have done that…And the last time I will ever do.

I was just the healer not the keeper. I was just there on the chasing field ready to be sacrificed.

As a healer, I’ve expressed compassion, tried to understand the situation and tried to not be pushy. I think a pretty succeeded on that level, but I just burnt myself to a point I never thought I would. I feel numb and already lost a stone.

Being the bubbly me, the “culturovore” me, the sweet but honest me wasn’t enough.

I’ve learned that people always chase more. People are never satisfied with what they have.

They chase perfection, but nobody is perfect. And by this quest, people crash others on their path.

I don’t want more, I just want nice. I just want a simple and sweet relationship based on honesty and respect not a quest for more.

Xxx

Ems

Have you ever been placed in a position you never thought you’d be ?

I have principles. One of them is: don’t do to others what you wouldn’t to yourself.

You might say it’s intuitive, logical, common sense, but what you don’t imagine is that your heart puts you to a certain level of feelings you just can’t stand waiting anymore. And so you become what you always said you’d never become: Crap…

For a few days (I cannot say weeks as I discovered the elephant on Monday), I’ve been described as  someone I’m not. Well to be precise as someone I never thought I could be. And actually, if you try to understand the other person’s perception, I actually might be this someone although I didn’t ask for the situation.

Are you still there? Did I lose you on the way? Wave if you fell off the wagon.

I cannot disclose too much in here and that’s a shame because I need to let it out, but as this particular person is spying on me (Hello if you’re reading this) and as another person could be hurt, I have to be as vague as possible.

Anyway, Monday was a cruel day. Really. Bad news on bad news, trying to understand positions of others and trying to get this headache disappear from where it came from. I couldn’t be myself. No.

I couldn’t be the one I’m usually because I feel manipulation quite easily and there it was.  As I already explain I’m someone who is able to control her emotions quite easily (which leads to an impossible way to let go), but feelings is something out of my reach, I can’t control them, so when the news came at the evening it was the drop too much in the ocean and I snapped because I realized someone was working on destroying my personal reputation. Someone is literally stalking me and is literally giving a version of the truth of what’s really happening while working on the other hand to place confusion in people’s mind. People I care about a lot.

How do I know ? We have acquaintances and one of them couldn’t believe that person was talking about me until (s)he showed him/her many of my profile pictures. (s)he is slut shaming me, but with no written proof. I just have “words on the street” and I can’t do much about it.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle this situation for months and I’m confused about the decision I have to make because things are complicated, but the pieces of the puzzle are getting together and I’m sure this person is just using the power (s)he has on the other one to keep her/him under control.

Well. This blabbering doesn’t make sense for you, but I had to write it down. I had to let it out somewhere.

Sorry, I’m not ready to be stabbed and do nothing.

And if I was just… #13reasonswhy

I was just not meant to be more.

It’s hard to explain what I wanna say. Even in the language of the heart.

I feel a lot, always. Everything takes proportions I don’t want them to, but how are you supposed to regulate this? Sometimes I would like to shut these emotions down ‘cause they just bring me pain and sorrow. They are just too painful to sustain. I wish I was able to act like I don’t care. Well actually I can. That’s the “superpower” I developed along the years making sure the others just don’t notice what I feel, especially when I’m hurt. What I would like is annihilate every piece of emotion, every tiny little feelings creeping through my heart and actually feel nothing.  I would really appreciate sometimes to be characterized with impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, dis-inhibited, egotistical traits. Yes in other terms: a mid-psychopath… This sometimes would help me through life. Theirs has to be easier without any feelings or emotions… maybe I am insane after all…

I know by reading this, you must ask yourself why. The reason is simple: I don’t induce feelings in others. I induce curiosity, such as a cage animal you want to see because you’ve heard of it.

Something you wanna possess because you’ve got the possibility to. Something practical to have on hand because it makes you feel better. Something you hide, actually, because you’re ashamed to be paired with, but you just can help going back to. Something temporary. An experience. Something you place between two appointments with your dentist.

Welcome to the Freak Show.

People just don’t get it when I say I’m an empty shell because they can’t see exactly what’s inside.

They see me as bubbly, joyful, with a certain approach on life that is careless. The truth? I really care, but not for myself. I realized a longtime ago that I would never be a priority in others vision, so I act as if I don’t care. As if my life was just a gigantic part where people have their place, but where I never find the right character fit for myself.

You know what made me realize I wasn’t different from the girl I was in high school?

The Netflix Series 13 reasons why. I related too much with Hannah. She cared too much. Always.

She made a decision I wasn’t brave enough to take. Yes, it’s brave to choose to let go one way or another. The way she put the responsibility on the others, is not. They are not the reasons why she did it. She just did it because she was different because she cared more about the others than herself and she couldn’t take it anymore. She just couldn’t bear the pain her feelings caused her. She decided to let go because she, at this very moment, thought she never would be someone’s priority.

One can argue that life is precious and I won’t contradict them, but I can also perfectly understand you want to end what you didn’t ask for. Her classmates might have contributed to her distress, but they just didn’t make it on purpose, they were just teenagers.

Well apart from one… One I once knew as well. One that has his place behind bars.

Regarding the high school advisor, he didn’t do his job. He wasn’t there for her when she tried to tell him she was about to end her life. He has a responsibility as an adult who has as a priority to be there for the students.

Anyway. This series got me to burst in tears. Ripped what’s left of my heart out of my chest.