When the universe decides you’re not made for this.

 

At a very young age, I couldn’t stop repeating I didn’t want such thing.

Then arrived the age of 16 and one of these things happen to end up in my arms. Not mine, but it unlocked the other thing. The other thing that never left ever since. Two years and a half later, I had to let the first chance go. Not the right time, not the right person, not everything I had imagined in my head. Rough time.

A few years later, it happened again. Four months in, it decided to give up. She decided to give up. Yes, the “it” was actually a “she”. Leaving a hole in my heart. A missing piece. And it happened again two years later, another missing piece. A “he”. I have the pair… in my heart.

I went through this all alone, by myself, because I didn’t want to annoy people with the storm going strong in my head.

Thinking about it, I’m just wondering if the Universe just sent me messages, telling I’m not one of those who are made for this. Maybe the Universe is right. Everybody seems to see it apart from me and Lord Universe keeps sending me the message “I’m not made for this”. How? By putting people on my path that remind me “I’m not made for this”.

Maybe it’s now time to be realistic and apologize to these three little pieces I’ll never be able to replace and ask them to forgive me as I wasn’t able to be what I was supposed to be for them. Maybe apologizing to them will help me to close this chapter and turn the page on this subject once and for all. Letting my brain know that she is right (yes it has a gender too), that I have to make everything in my ability to convince the professionals that I’m ready to give up on this too. I had three chances. I’ve wasted them.

I am so sorry I couldn’t be what you were expecting, that you had to give up on me.

Time flies

Yes, it does. Whatever you do to save time for yourself, it just flies by without you noticing a single second missing.

I’ve been overwhelmed by a series of events lately, and this just continues to overflow my daily schedule. I have to schedule my day. I suffer from burn out and severe depression which leads me to over love my bed and avoid people the best I can.

So, scheduling my day with repetitive tasks is the best way I found to not go insane.

I want to go back to the gym, but I’m physically weak and so I need to take it slow. After 4 solid months without any solid food, I’m eating again. When you cannot destroy yourself in a certain way, your sick brain finds another one to get you under the weather or worst, six feet under.

“My name is Siobhán” is out in Belgium since end of november and the electronic version will be soon available worldwide.

Amazingly this novella recieved a positive welcome and I hope this will continue.

I’m still translating the trilogy and writing another novel in English, but the coming plans are to finish my new thriller in french and expect a publication in 2020.

Time flies… 2020 is already tomorrow…

So I have a type.

For long enough I thought I didn’t really have a physical type for men.

How wrong I was.

Going through the years, apart from one exception or two, they have all the same characteristics:

Brown-haired, either part Italian, either part Irish, and all above 1,75m tall and smart.

I thought I based my choices on Charisma, but if you look back to my longest relationship (it lasted ten years), the guy had the charisma and the charm of a poop.

So what makes us more attracted to a certain type than another? Apparently if the guy doesn’t correspond to these criteria, I don’t even look at them, not a second (apart for 2 exceptions I won’t mention here, because it’s not worth the point), and therefore, they don’t get the chance to let me acknowledge if their culture is high enough to lead me to think and stimulate my brain.

Is just that all chemical, or are we conditioned to like a certain type? Are we inclined to repeat the same pattern over and over again to find the best match? Aren’t we allowed to change pattern and test out what’s best for us?

I know this makes no sense, but after uncovering that I was repeating the same pattern I was just wondering if things imprinted within us can truly change.

I’m also wondering if you ultimately know when you meet the person who you’re supposed to be with although you’re not vibrating on the same pace at the moment. Is this person meant to come back in your life at some point or the “misvibration” is just permanent?

I guess I have quite a lot of questions to ask to the Universe, because things are getting pretty messed up inside my brain, which leads me to a new English novel to come, I just started it so I can’t tell when I twill be released, but it’s a total work in progress.

 

Have you ever been placed in a position you never thought you’d be ?

I have principles. One of them is: don’t do to others what you wouldn’t to yourself.

You might say it’s intuitive, logical, common sense, but what you don’t imagine is that your heart puts you to a certain level of feelings you just can’t stand waiting anymore. And so you become what you always said you’d never become: Crap…

For a few days (I cannot say weeks as I discovered the elephant on Monday), I’ve been described as  someone I’m not. Well to be precise as someone I never thought I could be. And actually, if you try to understand the other person’s perception, I actually might be this someone although I didn’t ask for the situation.

Are you still there? Did I lose you on the way? Wave if you fell off the wagon.

I cannot disclose too much in here and that’s a shame because I need to let it out, but as this particular person is spying on me (Hello if you’re reading this) and as another person could be hurt, I have to be as vague as possible.

Anyway, Monday was a cruel day. Really. Bad news on bad news, trying to understand positions of others and trying to get this headache disappear from where it came from. I couldn’t be myself. No.

I couldn’t be the one I’m usually because I feel manipulation quite easily and there it was.  As I already explain I’m someone who is able to control her emotions quite easily (which leads to an impossible way to let go), but feelings is something out of my reach, I can’t control them, so when the news came at the evening it was the drop too much in the ocean and I snapped because I realized someone was working on destroying my personal reputation. Someone is literally stalking me and is literally giving a version of the truth of what’s really happening while working on the other hand to place confusion in people’s mind. People I care about a lot.

How do I know ? We have acquaintances and one of them couldn’t believe that person was talking about me until (s)he showed him/her many of my profile pictures. (s)he is slut shaming me, but with no written proof. I just have “words on the street” and I can’t do much about it.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle this situation for months and I’m confused about the decision I have to make because things are complicated, but the pieces of the puzzle are getting together and I’m sure this person is just using the power (s)he has on the other one to keep her/him under control.

Well. This blabbering doesn’t make sense for you, but I had to write it down. I had to let it out somewhere.

Sorry, I’m not ready to be stabbed and do nothing.

I don’t know how…

… to act as I’m interested.

giphy-9

I can talk to guy, but not in French, I can be flirty, but not in French. I do meet guys from time to time, but we end up good friends, just because I cannot be flirty in French and most of them just don’t speak English or don’t want to when they come back home and that’s legit. So, I have a lot of “Men friends” which isn’t a bad thing at all, it’s just that I’m not at the right place.

I would like to go out with someone who won’t mind making the extra step to help me be who I am, and not thinking about what I want to say before I actually say it. I want someone who understands my need to sometimes express myself in a language I can express what I really want to.

Is it so unusual to have a preference to a language the people around you are not interested in, to feel this language as it was rushing through your veins? This is a bit awkward… living in a country where you can’t find someone with the same sense of humor you have because you can play with words, but… not in French…

I feel like I’m misplaced. I feel like I’m not even from here. I just feel the need to escape this place, but I can’t. I have responsibilities.

XoXo

Ems

Days go by…

below-average

And they  look so alike.

Well done Líle… well done… you wrote something, so you can return to what you’ve been doing for the past five months… Good work… *pet myself on the head*.

Actually… my days are pretty much the same. As I’m not super talented, work for others. I’m team average. And it’s alright. You need a team average in the world to help the others being better in what they’re doing.

Actually I might even be below the average. Mistakes are part of the game, but they’re hard to accept. I make a lot of them. Too many, in my opinion. I’m never good enough.

Sometimes it can help, but often it doesn’t. you feel like you are the worst person ever and you can’t do a “shit” right. When you are in the “up there” team it is accepted, but not in team average.

And it’s real in all kinds of situations:

Personal life: you make a mistake so you’re not worth the attention, you are the failure

Professional life: you make a mistake so you are as shitty as the one who preceded you. Maybe even worst because you were not supposed to make mistakes, so they don’t understand why they hired you.

So from your perfectly fine “team average”, you slowly slide towards the “Team failure”. Slippage is really thin in others mind. Be careful.

Being average has advantages and disadvantages. Pro’s and con’s. And accepting being average ain’t easy. You might be OK to live with, but living without you isn’t a problem either. You might seem nice, but you’re not fecking hilarious. Your IQ is average. Your hobbies are average.

Just tell yourself it is OK to be average. Tell yourself mistakes are part of the game. Tell the others to go feck themselves if they’re not happy with whom you are.

I know easier said than done. I’m the first one to take all the blame and say I’m the only one to be punished.

Tell me how can I breathe with no air.

That’s a question I keep asking myself (adding to the one I wonder if penguins have knees…), silly question isn’t it ?

Actually, not that silly because I’m breathing right now with no air. When you struggle in every aspect of your life and when you don’t see any favorable issue, it’s just like breathing with no air.

You go one step at a time. Trying to find every bit of oxygen you can find.

You go work,  you get paid for that and at the end, you don’t even have the ability to go out because the struggle is too real and the others won’t understand it because you’re lucky to have a work.

I agree, I’m really lucky (especially when you have a « mutli-gazilionaire » company as « Caterpillar » that is shutting down an entire factory in your neighbourhood (Gosselies, Belgium, Europe, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, Google is your friend).

This doesn’t mean things are less problematic.

Wait a minute, I’m not saying I’m the worst case in the world, I perfectly know I’m not. So don’t come here bugging me with those considerations, I’m the first one to help and that’s exactly what put me in this situation.

And that’s where I wanted to come: You need to think a bit about yourself before the others because anybody will care for you. At least not enough to stop you to be too kind and available.

At the contrary, they will make a fuss the first time you won’t be OK to help them, not because you don’t want to, but just because you’re not able to.

So be selfish sometimes. You need to. You owe it to yourself.

This will help you not to give everything and every bit of your heart and trust to somebody else. This will prevent you to breathe with no air.