Have you ever been placed in a position you never thought you’d be ?

I have principles. One of them is: don’t do to others what you wouldn’t to yourself.

You might say it’s intuitive, logical, common sense, but what you don’t imagine is that your heart puts you to a certain level of feelings you just can’t stand waiting anymore. And so you become what you always said you’d never become: Crap…

For a few days (I cannot say weeks as I discovered the elephant on Monday), I’ve been described as  someone I’m not. Well to be precise as someone I never thought I could be. And actually, if you try to understand the other person’s perception, I actually might be this someone although I didn’t ask for the situation.

Are you still there? Did I lose you on the way? Wave if you fell off the wagon.

I cannot disclose too much in here and that’s a shame because I need to let it out, but as this particular person is spying on me (Hello if you’re reading this) and as another person could be hurt, I have to be as vague as possible.

Anyway, Monday was a cruel day. Really. Bad news on bad news, trying to understand positions of others and trying to get this headache disappear from where it came from. I couldn’t be myself. No.

I couldn’t be the one I’m usually because I feel manipulation quite easily and there it was.  As I already explain I’m someone who is able to control her emotions quite easily (which leads to an impossible way to let go), but feelings is something out of my reach, I can’t control them, so when the news came at the evening it was the drop too much in the ocean and I snapped because I realized someone was working on destroying my personal reputation. Someone is literally stalking me and is literally giving a version of the truth of what’s really happening while working on the other hand to place confusion in people’s mind. People I care about a lot.

How do I know ? We have acquaintances and one of them couldn’t believe that person was talking about me until (s)he showed him/her many of my profile pictures. (s)he is slut shaming me, but with no written proof. I just have “words on the street” and I can’t do much about it.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle this situation for months and I’m confused about the decision I have to make because things are complicated, but the pieces of the puzzle are getting together and I’m sure this person is just using the power (s)he has on the other one to keep her/him under control.

Well. This blabbering doesn’t make sense for you, but I had to write it down. I had to let it out somewhere.

Sorry, I’m not ready to be stabbed and do nothing.

And if I was just… #13reasonswhy

I was just not meant to be more.

It’s hard to explain what I wanna say. Even in the language of the heart.

I feel a lot, always. Everything takes proportions I don’t want them to, but how are you supposed to regulate this? Sometimes I would like to shut these emotions down ‘cause they just bring me pain and sorrow. They are just too painful to sustain. I wish I was able to act like I don’t care. Well actually I can. That’s the “superpower” I developed along the years making sure the others just don’t notice what I feel, especially when I’m hurt. What I would like is annihilate every piece of emotion, every tiny little feelings creeping through my heart and actually feel nothing.  I would really appreciate sometimes to be characterized with impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, dis-inhibited, egotistical traits. Yes in other terms: a mid-psychopath… This sometimes would help me through life. Theirs has to be easier without any feelings or emotions… maybe I am insane after all…

I know by reading this, you must ask yourself why. The reason is simple: I don’t induce feelings in others. I induce curiosity, such as a cage animal you want to see because you’ve heard of it.

Something you wanna possess because you’ve got the possibility to. Something practical to have on hand because it makes you feel better. Something you hide, actually, because you’re ashamed to be paired with, but you just can help going back to. Something temporary. An experience. Something you place between two appointments with your dentist.

Welcome to the Freak Show.

People just don’t get it when I say I’m an empty shell because they can’t see exactly what’s inside.

They see me as bubbly, joyful, with a certain approach on life that is careless. The truth? I really care, but not for myself. I realized a longtime ago that I would never be a priority in others vision, so I act as if I don’t care. As if my life was just a gigantic part where people have their place, but where I never find the right character fit for myself.

You know what made me realize I wasn’t different from the girl I was in high school?

The Netflix Series 13 reasons why. I related too much with Hannah. She cared too much. Always.

She made a decision I wasn’t brave enough to take. Yes, it’s brave to choose to let go one way or another. The way she put the responsibility on the others, is not. They are not the reasons why she did it. She just did it because she was different because she cared more about the others than herself and she couldn’t take it anymore. She just couldn’t bear the pain her feelings caused her. She decided to let go because she, at this very moment, thought she never would be someone’s priority.

One can argue that life is precious and I won’t contradict them, but I can also perfectly understand you want to end what you didn’t ask for. Her classmates might have contributed to her distress, but they just didn’t make it on purpose, they were just teenagers.

Well apart from one… One I once knew as well. One that has his place behind bars.

Regarding the high school advisor, he didn’t do his job. He wasn’t there for her when she tried to tell him she was about to end her life. He has a responsibility as an adult who has as a priority to be there for the students.

Anyway. This series got me to burst in tears. Ripped what’s left of my heart out of my chest.

Nobody… but you…

This could have been the title of the next project. This might be. Or not.

This makes me think of an old (yes I said old… it was on the 1996 (first) Backstreet boys album. Sang by Kevin.  A bit different from the other tracks, this was the one I was listening to calm me down. Why? No idea.

The only thing I know:  the rhythm still provokes the same reaction.

So, I might have another English short novel on the way. I said might. It needs to mature a bit before I spill out the words, before the words hit the paper.

Projects tend to pile up. I need to make choices. Set my priorities. A lot of things interest me, but will I lose myself again by trying too much things at the same time. I don’t know. Will I find this right balance between reason and passion? Am I made to find this point? Only Captain Malcolm Reynolds  knows.

Oh by the way. I met Nathan Fillion this weekend. Nothing to report apart he is a real sweetheart. And will stay in my esteem on the highest level.

I better Dash. I’m scrutinized and I know I’d better be doing something else.

Se y’all soon folks.

Dear Diary : News

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Hey My Loves

Good news, the text is now final and an illustrator is on the cover project.

First it will be electronically released. Paper copy will be available for the people who were beta-reading it and for European countries only.

This might seem a bit radical, but living here in a French speaking country and not having a provider in English speaking countries makes the product price go up (dramatically), and I don’t even talk about shipping cost. We will try to find a way to ship overseas, but it’s not a priority as for now.

So keep sneaking around here, because you’ll get news very soon!

See y’all

Ems

It’s this time of the year.

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Where I should wish you: a Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year, but I don’t dare to do it.

Why? Just because the last time I did, the end of 2015 was a total nightmare and 2016 followed the footsteps of its older sister. That’s why I’m a bit scared to wish you all the best … because if all the best is all the dead popping around then it doesn’t make sense, does it?

So, I don’t want to bring you bad luck, but I will wish you all the sparkles, the glitter, the joy, the love, the good surprises, the success, the good memories and more more positive things for 2017.

BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT! Especially if you’re alone on those days, you deserve way much more all the joy and love for the future.

A Reason to Breathe – Rebecca Donovan : my point of view

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Synopsis:

“No one tried to get involved with me, and I kept to myself. This was the place where everything was supposed to be safe and easy. How could Evan Mathews unravel my constant universe in just one day?”

In the affluent town of Weslyn, Connecticut, where most people worry about what to be seen in and who to be seen with, Emma Thomas would rather not be seen at all. She’s more concerned with feigning perfection while pulling down her sleeves to conceal the bruises – not wanting anyone to know how far from perfect her life truly is. Without expecting it, she finds love. It challenges her to recognize her own worth – but at the risk of revealing the terrible secret she’s desperate to hide.

Reason to Breathe is an electrifying page turner from start to finish, a unique tale of life-changing love, unspeakable cruelty, and one girl’s fragile grasp of hope.

Let me just say I have never read a book that had me so upset and on the edge of my seat the way this one did. I can’t find anything to fill the void this book caused.

I went through all kinds of emotions while reading. Fluidity and really good construction.

I literally could not put it down. I HAD to know how it ended, so I was grabing the book everytime I could and devoured  every moment.

We had a chance to really get to know the characters all worked so well together.
Something bothered me about 3/4 in the book, but I understand now why the plot and character were in there and now I realize it added to the character of Emma.
I really did feel as if I knew these characters and cared about them.
My heart was pounding at some bits and I really rallied for Emma. She was selfless and her relationship with Evan was just wonderful. The interaction between these two was just beautiful.
The ending …  Say no more!

Well Played Rebecca… Well Played!

 

I’m not dead… yet

I just really need to take back my life at some point and stop hiding although I’m pretty sure I’m the biggest embarrassment the Earth as ever carried.

I’m not sure what to do with myself, not sure I wanna live this life, not sure I wanna be the one who’s always there for everybody. If you crossed my path in real life, you know I’m someone who is positive, not always, but most of the time I am. I can get pretty upset in the traffic jam, but I also try to remain calm by listening the playlist I created for those special annoying occasion (yeah you know why the weather is terrible in Belgium).

The last two years have been hard on me (or should I say the last three years), and 2016 was a pretty awful one, but I refuse to let the “nothing”, the “depressing darkness” continue to drag me down because if I do, I will probably be dead any time soon.

That doesn’t mean I’m gonna be all about glitter and unicorns, no, I’m still dark inside, but I refuse to believe that my life is finished.

I don’t believe in love anymore, this is a fact and I’m not sure I will in the future, but I don’t want to isolate myself from friendship. The hardest part is keeping friendship alive when you don’t have any place of your own because you still have to deal with the Hell hole that was yours and you have to live back at your mom’s place because you can’t afford a rent as you’re paying the entire loan for something that is supposed to be owned and paid by two people. This prevent you to invite people, to spend time with someone that might be more than a friend as you cannot have intimacy in any way.

This is what my life looks like for nearly two years now. It’s hard not holding the grudge to someone who fled the country and left you handle everything. The someone who can have a life on his own because this person doesn’t care.

Inside I’m nearly dead, I can’t trust anybody. I hate that.

I’m not used to be suspicious about people, not that way. I just don’t let them approach me. I wanna believe I’m not dead … yet, but it’s becoming harder and harder to have faith in what’s my life gonna look like. I will hold on to hope for a little longer, but only the future knows for how long.

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